Byrd's Brain #19 - Friggin' Valentine's Day...

[D.B. Byrd]

First off, wanted to wish all of us at The USH a happy (albeit belated) New Year.  Glad to see so many of your smiling…and hopefully drunk…faces roll over into this new decade (or end of the previous decade, however you want to look at it).

Sorry I’ve been away…well at least in terms of keeping up with a bi-monthly column.  With all the frantic situations in my life, I have very little time to really spend writing anymore…which to be honest, sucks.  I didn’t get a chance to write another Christmas column, and I missed the new year by over a month.  That said, I hope to make it up to all of you with this year’s guide to Valentine’s Day.

Last year, I wrote a column on how to have a successful holiday while not sacrificing your principles of being a man.  This year, I’m going to tell you what not to buy your sweetheart.  Keep in mind, these are just suggestions.  Let the mockery of pop culture begin!

#1:  The Snuggie


One more reason to hate the Today Show

This goes for men and women alike:  as noted by my beloved, buying a Snuggie is a good way to begin Armageddon.  As much as you may think “hey, you know what, I could use a stupid blanket with sleeves”…wait, on second thought, know what?  If you DO think that, give me your name and address and I’ll send Mattek over to whup your ass Canadian-style.  Which I assume involves a snow plow, lots of mispronounced vowels, and a hockey stick.

(By the way, if you buy one for your dog, Mattek will shove that stick where the sun don’t shine).

#2:  Stupid Romantic Movies


What time travel looks like without robots or Deloreans

I honestly don’t think there is anything “unmanly” about liking films that involve romance.  C’mon, who here didn’t love Casablanca?  Or what about The Quiet Man?  Or Commando?  Wait…

Regardless of preference, women love films like this…and there’s nothing wrong with placating their desires to see films like Love Actually or When Harry Met Sally.  However, it delves into a horrible state when you buy her HUGE stinkers like You’ve Got Mail:  Sleepless In Seattle 2 or Dear John  (seriously, Channing Tatum…how could a douche like you be friggin’ Duke?!?)

Don’t make Gambit cry.  If the cover is a picture of two people in some kind of lame pose facing away from each other or looking up at the sky…run the **** away.  And go rent The Searchers to burn out the remnants of estrogen that cover alone implanted in your system.
   

#3:  Anything To Do With Cooking/Cleaning


Used to clean the hooker sweat off!
   
Don’t be a dumbass.  Women don’t like to clean and cook as much as we do (though I do enjoy cooking).  That said, gifts like this basically say: “hey hot stuff, wanna make me my damn dinner now or should I wait after you’re done with my afternoon BJ?”

Trust me.  Don’t go there.  I don’t want a goddamn hammer for any holiday…why should I get my gal some friggin’ Sham-Wows?  (By the bye, cv_otaku had it right when he said he wouldn’t buy anything from a guy in a faux-hawk.  Good call, bro.)

#4:  Stupid Ass Cards


This picture just gave you diabetes

Avoid anything with poetry inside, unless your significant other is a hipster doofus.  This goes for ladies too.  Look, I don’t care how touching a damn card writer is, what a card like this says is “hey, know how I can’t talk about feelings?  This person did’um it for me!”

Just buy something short and simple based on something you say on a regular basis.  Or funny.  Funny always works in my experience.

Or just buy one with a picture of Cap on the cover.  This will send any women into such a frenzy she’ll jump you in a second.

#5:  Jewelry


I don’t even know what this is supposed to be!

Here comes the cliché police…jeezum crow.  Gold, diamonds, silver:  it’s all expensive enough, what the frig are you doing buying it for a holiday that is mostly populated by naked flying babies?  This is a Christmas or birthday thing, guys.  Do you think Ben got his nickname as the Cuddle Monster because he does this?  I’m willing to bet “no”, he shows originality or simply makes a comment about how he had surgery with little more than some bourbon as an anesthetic, and his woman’s all over him.


So this Valentine’s Day, if a store is pushing its red and white colored crap, know what to say “no” to.  And remember, if you have to get through a movie that sucks, just drink a quart of scotch…it works for me.

Happy Hallmark Day.


The views expressed do not necessarily reflect the views of The-USH.com or its owner.

[Christopher J. Lawton]

Heh, good one, J. This column made me laugh. And I still refuse to buy anything from Vince Offer, despite some things I've seen that might actually be useful.

[D.B. Byrd]

Heh, good one, J. This column made me laugh. And I still refuse to buy anything from Vince Offer, despite some things I've seen that might actually be useful.

I was (unfortunately) subjected to a "rap mix" version of the Slap Chop commercial over Christmas break.

It made me want to hammer fist Offer in the face while shooting out the kneecaps of the girl who was dancing.  (If you've seen this friggin' thing, you'd know why)

[Keith G.]

This is all true in so many ways.  Thankyou for putting it all in funny form.

Byrdman says it right!!!

[Gabriel S-C.]

Good advice as usual Justin.
I particularly would make anyone pay if they went to see that Dear John Movie, ehh...
Anyway, agree with everything here.

[Ben Mayfield]

I bought my girlfriend three dozen black roses and 2010 Ford Escape Hybrid.  I think I did well......she'll be through the roof (she's never owned a new car). 

I have reservations about Ford (I've only bought Toyota through two vehicles), but I knew that was the one she wanted, and Ford's been getter better from what I've researched. 

She has no idea.  The car's at my brother's house right now. 

Great column, JB!

[D.B. Byrd]

I bought my girlfriend three dozen black roses and 2010 Ford Escape Hybrid.  I think I did well......she'll be through the roof (she's never owned a new car). 

I have reservations about Ford (I've only bought Toyota through two vehicles), but I knew that was the one she wanted, and Ford's been getter better from what I've researched. 

She has no idea.  The car's at my brother's house right now. 

Great column, JB!

Damn it, Ben!  You had to outdo ALL of us!

Thank God my gal doesn't have an account at the USH yet!  :sarcastic:

[Matt W.]

A freakin car? Damn dude. I don;t even wanna say what I'm ding now.  :sarcastic:

NAw. I'm goin out tomorrow to get my stuff for my gal. I play on getting her flowers, a Card, the book she wants and dinner.

Good column J-Byrd.

[Christopher J. Lawton]

Damn it, Ben!  You had to outdo ALL of us!

Thank God my gal doesn't have an account at the USH yet!  :sarcastic:

And that's why he's the Cuddle Monster.

[Jason K.]

My plan is to nurse a hangover on Valentine's Day, then try grocery shopping in the icy hell that has become Washington DC.  I'm going to buy myself a steak in lieu of spending money on a girlfriend.  This might seem like a triumphant declaration of my bachelordom, but read it a few times and the pity will start to swell within you.  I promise.

[D.B. Byrd]

My plan is to nurse a hangover on Valentine's Day, then try grocery shopping in the icy hell that has become Washington DC.  I'm going to buy myself a steak in lieu of spending money on a girlfriend.  This might seem like a triumphant declaration of my bachelordom, but read it a few times and the pity will start swell within you.  I promise.

Honestly, that's a helluva great way to spend it.  I can't find anything wrong with that.

[Ben Mayfield]

And that's why he's the Cuddle Monster.

Dang skippy.  I haven't dated the most intelligent, sexy nerdette (that cooks!) on the planet for over three years now by being an inconsiderate asshole, that's for sure. 

I'm a cuddly bitch and proud of it!

[Wolfwood]

Great article, JB.  I agree especially with the jewlery (something's wrong if your girl's not happy unless you're buying her jewlery and other expensive crap  :sarcastic:). And there really is a Sleepless in Seattle 2?  WTF  :sarcastic:? 

[Gabriel S-C.]

Great article, JB.  I agree especially with the jewlery (something's wrong if your girl's not happy unless you're buying her jewlery and other expensive crap  :sarcastic:). And there really is a Sleepless in Seattle 2?  WTF  :sarcastic:?

That is obvious, they think so and some men think so because Every KISS begins with Kay  :sarcastic:

[D.B. Byrd]

Great article, JB.  I agree especially with the jewlery (something's wrong if your girl's not happy unless you're buying her jewlery and other expensive crap  :sarcastic:). And there really is a Sleepless in Seattle 2?  WTF  :sarcastic:?

Have you seen You've Got Mail?  It's the same goddang movie.