CV and Gambit's Retro Rad Review – Battletoads
Okay, let’s talk about
Battletoads. What do you want to know? Do you want to know what it plays like? Do you want to know if it’s fun? Do you want to know how many controllers I broke in frustration, while playing it? Because, the answer to that one is easy. Two. I broke two controllers in frustration, playing
Battletoads. Because, while the game is known for being a classic Beat-Em-Up, it’s also known for one more thing—being one of the hardest games in history.
Developed by
Rare and released in 1991,
Battletoads had you stepping into the leathery skin of one of two anthropomorphic toads, Rash or Zitz. You’re attempting to rescue your brother Pimple, who was kidnapped by The Dark Queen, while he was macking on his chick.
You progress through a variety of levels, fighting off a number of bad guys and then dying. A lot.
I’m gonna get the review part out of the way real easy, here.
Battletoads is a phenomenal Beat-Em-Up. Truly, one of the best ever made. Everything from the controls to the graphics to the sound are absolutely solid. I could spend the entire review praising this game, but that’d just be a waste of words.
Instead, I’m going to talk about some of the more specific aspects about the game that set this above other Beat-Em-Ups, for better or worse.
Let’s start with talking about the variety of the levels. Here’s really where
Battletoads begins to shine. The game starts out with a semi-3d isometric view, allowing you to move up and down the level, in addition to left and right. This is all pretty standard for Beat-Em-Ups, and has been since
Renegade, which I already reviewed.
But, once the first level is done, you’re dropped down a long, vertical tunnel on a rope. You move down through the level, punching birds and other flying enemies and dodging electrical barriers. This is the sort of level that makes you sit up and take notice. It’s considerably different for the genre, and definitely welcome.
But, the third level is by far the most memorable for people, mostly because very few people could actually pass it. It starts out with another Beat-Em-Up platforming level, which is cool. But, then you jump on Rad Jetcycles and, from there, your at the mercy of the high speeds, as you try to dodge walls and hit ramps in what can only be described as an obstacle course from Hell.
And this brings up the second thing that sets it apart from other Beat-Em-Ups.
Battletoads hates you. It hates your face. It hates your mom. It hates everything about you, that makes you you, and makes you want to keep being you. This game would sooner piss on your grave, than cut you a break. It feeds on your tears and makes sure it knows how God-awful you are at it.
Just so we’re clear, this game is really, really hard.
You will spend thirty to forty lives just learning a specific level. Not thirty to forty lives beating the game. Oh no, that’d be too easy. You will spend those lives to learn specific parts of levels. As I said, I broke two controllers playing this game and I’m not quick to anger. This game is freaking barbaric.
(Whew, that was cathartic.)
But, the thing is… despite its insane difficulty, the game is fun. It really, really is. You want to conquer it. And, trust me, if you get a healthy supply of fresh controllers rolling in the house, you will. It’s not impossible, by any means, it just requires perseverance, practice and patience—three P-words gamers aren’t really known for.
Another thing that sets it apart from a lot of Beat-Em-Ups is the cartoony feel of the game. You’ve got a dash move that turns your head into a giant ram’s head, horns and all, which you use to bat your opponent off screen. If you kick downed enemies enough, your foot will grow ten times it’s size, as you punt them out of the atmosphere. Things like this are visually appealing to kids, and pretty fun for adults with the mind of a kid—much like myself.
The game is two-player, but I’m not terribly sure there’s a sadist that’s sadistic enough to take this challenge on. Sure, you might think, having two people to take on the enemies makes it easier, right? A little, I suppose. But there two words that take any advantage you find and throw it out the window—Friendly Fire. You will punch, kick and whack your partner through the entire game. And as the frustration grows, the levels almost all degenerate into a brawl fest to be the last toad standing.
When you get to the Jetcycle levels, it gets even better, as you're both racing across the level at high speeds and if either one of you dies, you both go back to the checkpoint. I’ve seen marriages end over
Battletoads games. Okay, that might be going a bit far. But, I honestly wouldn’t be surprised to see “Battletoads” listed on divorce papers as a cause of “irreconcilable differences”.
If you haven’t played
Battletoads, I kind of feel sorry for you. Why? Well, if you ever do play it, you’ll already know about the high difficulty, and that’s no fun. You should really have experienced the frustration with no clue what you were getting into. Frankly, you should have suffered like the rest of us—suffered like a young, 10-year-old boy, summoning great feats of strength to crack the plastic on his friend’s NES controller.
But, since that can’t happen, take one thing away from this review. Get a lot of booze in you, when you play
Battletoads for the first time. You honestly won’t drive the Jetcycle any worse and it will definitely take a bit of the edge off. That’s the only advice I can give you.
Battletoads' Scores :
Graphics =
Sound/Music =
Controls =
Gameplay =
Overall Fun Factor =
Total =
4.2
