I Can See Castle Doom From My House
Issue #2: They Took Our J'onzz
At approximately 4:30 AM on the July 25th, immigration officials conducted a raid on residence in Metropolis reportedly leased to an apparent illegal alien implicated in several hundred counts of torture, malicious mischief, just generally being awful, and mail fraud. By all accounts, the apprehension of the suspect named
Lady GaGa was nothing short of bedlam. Eight of the government agents were sent to the hospital with Advanced Delusionary Schizophrenia with Involuntary Narcissistic rage, and residents of the neighborhood complained their local streets were flooded by overindulged party girls and gay men tweaked out on peppermint schnapps and colorful suspenders.
"I swear, I have this many Y chromosomes."“It was the damnedest thing,” said agent
John Stewart of the
Green Lantern Corps, “our guys were dropping left and right, just because she was stuttering! What the hell is a p-p-p-poker face anyways?”
With
Lady GaGa now on her way back to Uranus, the
Green Lantern Corps are now pursuing a suspected associate known only as “Ale-Alejandro”.
GaGa is only one of many individuals who have been investigated, apprehended, and deported in the last six months, since the passage of the the UN’s immigration bill allowing authorities to detain anyone they suspect to be residing on the planet Earth illegally. It has led to the removal of over twenty notorious supervillains, but in a nearly-hilarious-but-ironically-tragic-to-the-point-I’m-considering-huffing-keyboard-cleaner twist, the
Green Lantern Corps has assisted the
Justice League in escorting a few of its own members out of Earth’s orbit.
“
Batman is a jerk,” says former Justice Leaguer
Zan of the
Wonder Twins.
Zan, along with his sister
Jayna, now reside on a planet on the other side of the galaxy where “awesome things go to be awesome”, according to the
Wonder Twins. “We were invaluable contributors to the League, and this is how we’re treated? I can turn into a glacier!
Gorilla Grodd once drank me when I was pee! I’m important! Look at me!
Zayna!
Wonder Twin powers activate! Form of righteous tears!”
"Our powers are not activated by a 'terrorist fist-bump'!"Even more useful and consequential superheroes have faced scrutiny and ejection from Earth’s atmosphere.
J’onn J’onzz, or the
Martian Manhunter as he doesn’t like to be called we discovered when he placed a recurring delusion in our editor’s psyche that he is the collected morale of Detroit, was stopped while shopping at a Whole Foods in Metropolis. He was reportedly gathering ingredients to make gazpacho.
“You shouldn't put cilantro in gazpacho. It overpowers the soup,”
J’onzz said in his only statement to the press at the scene.
J’onzz’s cavalier attitude stems from the fact that he is in fact a legal Earthling, but his journey to residency has been anything but conventional. The martian applied for naturalization as an Earthling in 1992 when he began impersonating a black man with a borderline racist backstory, the “superhero”
Bloodwynd.
J’onzz felt that he would best fit into Earth culture by assuming the identity of an African American with superpowers derived from a curse conjured by slaves during the 19th Century.
Al Sharpton could not be reached for the opinion of black people.
His chili is not to be trifled with.However, the story rapidly took a turn for the Jovian as the
Green Lantern Corps’ investigation progressed.
J’onzz’s bid for citizenship had not been approved before he was killed in battle against the forces of
Darkseid, one of the six brushes with the brink of Armageddon that year and the second involving S&M-themed villainy. His not-wholly-unexpected resurrection a year later came with an added bonus. As he was legally born again on Earth, he was deemed a legal Earthling. Subsequently,
J’onzz has found a new career as a host for his own Fox News program, “Manhunter Live”, which features a fair and balanced but hard-hitting examination of interstellar politics.
“He’s like a Martian
Lou Dobbs,” says Daily Planet editor
Perry White, “wait, I take that back. He’s like a human
Sean Hannity.”
The loophole in the law uncovered by the
Martian Manhunter’s death and rebirth has sparked a disturbing trend among the alien superhero community. Last week, the body of
Maxima was found in Star City, the victim-perpetrator of an apparent murder-suicide as a distraught
Captain Boomerang was found nearby, the murder weapon in hand.
“I don’t get it man. I just don’t get it,” he rambled to the press, “she was crazy, screaming about how I had to kill her so she could get her fix.”
Two days ago,
Maxima was spotted on patrol over Metropolis, beating the holy hell out of what looked like
Mr. Mind. We here at
Castle Doom later learned that it was in fact writer
Mark Waid, who plotted
Maxima’s return to include the words “capri pants”. The citizens of Metropolis did not appear to notice the difference from two days prior. The US government, however, has expressed a grave concern over the emerging superhero suicide-resurrection-naturalization technique, particularly Secretary of Metahuman Affairs
Amanda Waller.
“This is a deeply troubling response to a wholly sensible law,” said Waller, “not to mention it may encourage ordinary citizens to emulate this sort of reprehensible behavior.”
Waller’s words proved to be prophetic as yesterday, albeit surprising that it hadn’t happened already,
Bam Margera was found dead from apparent auto-erotic asphyxiation using video tape pulled from the second cassette of the
Alf Season 1 collection.
Margera was recently the recipient of a timely rescue by
Superman when he fell from a 22nd story window at the Metropolis Marriott during a stunt that no one actually knew or cared that he was doing. A suicide note was found at the scene, and while police have gone to extreme lengths to keep its contents confidential, including berating the press with misogynistic and racist epithets just because certain reporters got breast implants they think look stupid,
Castle Doom has obtained some details. According to the note,
Margera was furious with
Superman and other extraterrestrial superheroes for constantly foiling his suicide attempts, and expresses hope that he will return to a world where people will not confuse him for
Kelly Osbourne.
Superman could not be reached for comment. The Man of Steel has been a legal Earthling for half a century, more than two decades, and about four years, depending on what continuity
Geoff Johns is using this week. Since passage of the immigration law, Superman has remained reliably quiet, despite his own extraterrestrial origins. While he has escaped much of the outrage directed towards alien superheroes, small pockets of activists have focused their wrath on Superman’s supposed but totally obvious sexual relationship with Daily Planet reporter
Lois Lane.
“It’s just wrong,” one anonymous blogger said, “humans should stay with their own kind. Plus, he’d just straight up kill her! Super speed, anyone? It’s the rippin’ and the tearin’!”
“No, I will not comment,”
Lois Lane would later tell us, “however, I will say one thing:
Batman, I know you’re videotaping us, so STOP IT!”
"Yeah, someone just accused me of being an anchor baby."
DJ Galactus’ Planet-Eating Playlist of the Week
Superman may have been sent to Earth as means of immigration facilitation for the House of El, but he still enjoys a good playlist. Hence, this week, DJ Galactus is spinning a Man of Steel mix.
"Lost" -
Coldplay"No One's Gonna Love You" -
Band of Horses"Notion" -
Kings of Leon"Bulletproof" -
Rilo Kiley"By The Way" -
Red Hot Chili Peppers
