What the French, Toast!!? - Fighting the Good Pixelated Fight
What follows is one day in the life of an action video game shooter.________________________
I step into the first hallway, with my little pistol loaded and ready. I seriously need a better weapon for this. I'm a one man crew against a horde of bad guy shitheads, there's got be something better than - oh wait, what's this? Looks like some kind of small submachine gun. That's convenient. Not sure why it was just laying here behind this crate and fully loaded too! Sweet!
Ok, pistol in side holster, submachine gun at the ready. Bring it on baddies. Hmm, so far no signs of anything.
*laser rifle blasts at heroes feet and the crate next to him*Wait, what the hell? Ok, where are you? There you are!!
*fires submachine gun in a quick burst and the enemy falls down from the above railing*Gotcha from damn near 100 yards away. This accuracy is amazing!! I ROCK!! Ok, so now who wants -- OW, HEY!! Who the - did you just shoot me?!!!
*gets into crouching position and fires at a group of enemies*Crouching down will definately help keep me from getting shot. Now, just fire a little more wildly and in a pattern and I'll take care of ya.
*fires his weapon in 2 short burst*Heh, heh. Gotcha again. Now let's see what kind of weapons you got there. Hmmm, looks like a pulse rifle of some sort. Why was it shooting laser beams out though? That's odd. Now if I could just find some - Ah ha! Bingo, more ammo right around the corner here. Damn this battle is easy. Oh, now, what's this? A medical kit next to the ammo. Awesome!!
*gears up with new findings and sets off*Now, lets see what I can find behind this door. What the - locked?! Damn!! If I only had a key. These windows next to the door look to be of no help. Shit, I need the damn 35c key card for this door. Let me try down the hall here and see what I can find. Oh look another door, let me try - Woohoo!! It's open, but, damn, nothing here. Wait, what's this ontop of the file cabinet. I can see it but I can't reach it. Maybe if I jump up on top of this terminal and then jump to the cabinet. Got it!! The 34c key card.
Back to the locked door now. Good, it's open now. Hmm, nothing in here but some desks and a couple of desk lamps. Why the hell was this freakin' room locked off then? Oh wait, I see. I found me a lock box underneath this terminal. I'll just crouch down and get it. Now what's inside? Holy Shit!! I got a new rocket launcher!! Damn, only one shell in the crate. Guess I'll find some more down the road later. No worries.
*straps RPG to his back and continues with his pulse rifle at the ready and his two small sidearms holstered*Woo! I 'm making some progress now. Let's go you bastards, I wanna try my new toys!!
*a huge shot is heard and the hero is struck with a blast from high powered rifle*DAMN!! That hurt!! Where's that medical kit. Shit, my ears are ringing and my visions all red. Got to use this kit.
*uses kit and hides behind another crate*Well, thats a lot better. I can see better and everything. Feels like I just started the mission over. Ok, now who fired that blast?!
*another blast hits a few feet from him*Fine, you wanna play like that? See how you like it!!
*fires his own RPG in the direction the blast came from*BOOYAH!!! Take that bitches!! What, no firing back? Of course not, I just saw your body go flipping through the air and land on the ground below. Looks like you could have used a medical kit too!! Sorry 'bout your luck. Speaking of which, I think I see another kit there on this box. Yep, I'll keep that on hand. Wait, what's this? Some kind of small medical drink next to some more RPG ammo. Hmm all these supplies together at once and look, a lone door in front of me. This looks like it could be bad.
*takes all equipment and walks inside the door and immediately spots a huge monsterous beast with large teeth and huge cannons jutting out of its shoulders*What the hell kind of creature are you?!! Where can I get my hands on shoulder cannons? Oh shit, you look mad, better take cover behind this row of crates. They're wooden ones, but hey, it's something.
*the creature fires round after round taking out the crates along the way*Damn, so much for my cover. Guess I'll have to run around in circles around you and wait for an opening. Ok, you big bastard, show me what ya got. I'll just run this way and then switch and go over here. HA!! Just missed me. Hmm, looks like the floor drops off just ahead of me. Better make a jump for it.
*hero jumps but times it wrong and lands in the hole 10 feet below the surface*Ow!! That hurt. Hmm, now if I can just jump back up - Shit!!! Great, I'm stuck down here.
Oh well, atleast all you can do up there is pace around and growl.
DAMN!! This freaking fight sucked!!!
RESET GAME
